Well, I thought I was strong enough, I thought I had the ego pushed down far enough to not take over. Well it seems India has taken over, and well.... I have Broken down.
The men here; I don't even know how to describe what the feeling is like but the best I can say is this:
I feel like I am standing naked.... Alone....And all these man are judging me in every action I take.
I had a train ride a couple nights ago. It was a sleeper train. This means there are 3 beds on each wall in a cubicle, so 3 beds facing 3 beds, with no curtain. Then you have people passing by going to the toilet, looking at you sleep, its not that dark so they can see in.
Well, this is what happened:
The train stopped.... The people who paid for their bunks got off, which means every man for themselves get on the train, but Mark and I stay in our original spots, lying down trying to sleep. This train ran from 21:40 to 7:20. These people got on around 3:00am. They were all men, mark was sleeping. They all got on and watched me, I had woken up and heard them so I saw what they were doing. Sitting there watching me sleep.
So.... being in India, you have to get used to people watching you at all times, judging you, or the like. So I put my blanket over my head, and kept sleeping.
Until, I felt a hand grab my knee. Well I have heard of a lot worse places for these boys to touch, which doesn't make it alright with me, however, I woke up and saw these boys walking away. I didn't say anything because I was coming out of my sleep, and didn't realize what happened until a couple seconds too late. Therefore I stayed awake.... Waiting...
They came back, and saw I was awake, but they tried sneakily to take pictures of me. So I had to speak up, cause I know the difference between paranoia, and my rights to be a human. I said some mean things and not knowing if they understood me but one guy sheepishly said "Sorry".
I find it hard to be nice to the men here, I make mad faces at them or just look to the floor because they are taught that if a womane looks into their eyes they want to have sex with them, like a whore. Which, as you know we are not taught pretty much the opposite back home. This is how I read people, by what their look is in their eyes. And I read a lot of sadness. So, instead of going like the heard and looking down and letting these boys/men look at me like I am a piece of meat, I now make faces at them. Stupid, ugly, rampid faces, until they either look away or get so confused they run into someone else, which does happen regularly. Just today a guy on a motorcycle ran into another guy on a motorcycle because he was watching me walk on the side of the road. Mark noticed it, I didn't even see what happened until the crash, and Mark told me.
This is probably the hardest test of life I have ever gone through. And I see women traveling alone in this country, although have never met them, due to the fact that they are always going as fast as they can, to and from places.
A test in the school of life. I WILL PASS, AND I WILL SUCCEED. THE EGO WILL NOT SUCCEEED.
The men here; I don't even know how to describe what the feeling is like but the best I can say is this:
I feel like I am standing naked.... Alone....And all these man are judging me in every action I take.
I had a train ride a couple nights ago. It was a sleeper train. This means there are 3 beds on each wall in a cubicle, so 3 beds facing 3 beds, with no curtain. Then you have people passing by going to the toilet, looking at you sleep, its not that dark so they can see in.
Well, this is what happened:
The train stopped.... The people who paid for their bunks got off, which means every man for themselves get on the train, but Mark and I stay in our original spots, lying down trying to sleep. This train ran from 21:40 to 7:20. These people got on around 3:00am. They were all men, mark was sleeping. They all got on and watched me, I had woken up and heard them so I saw what they were doing. Sitting there watching me sleep.
So.... being in India, you have to get used to people watching you at all times, judging you, or the like. So I put my blanket over my head, and kept sleeping.
Until, I felt a hand grab my knee. Well I have heard of a lot worse places for these boys to touch, which doesn't make it alright with me, however, I woke up and saw these boys walking away. I didn't say anything because I was coming out of my sleep, and didn't realize what happened until a couple seconds too late. Therefore I stayed awake.... Waiting...
They came back, and saw I was awake, but they tried sneakily to take pictures of me. So I had to speak up, cause I know the difference between paranoia, and my rights to be a human. I said some mean things and not knowing if they understood me but one guy sheepishly said "Sorry".
I find it hard to be nice to the men here, I make mad faces at them or just look to the floor because they are taught that if a womane looks into their eyes they want to have sex with them, like a whore. Which, as you know we are not taught pretty much the opposite back home. This is how I read people, by what their look is in their eyes. And I read a lot of sadness. So, instead of going like the heard and looking down and letting these boys/men look at me like I am a piece of meat, I now make faces at them. Stupid, ugly, rampid faces, until they either look away or get so confused they run into someone else, which does happen regularly. Just today a guy on a motorcycle ran into another guy on a motorcycle because he was watching me walk on the side of the road. Mark noticed it, I didn't even see what happened until the crash, and Mark told me.
This is probably the hardest test of life I have ever gone through. And I see women traveling alone in this country, although have never met them, due to the fact that they are always going as fast as they can, to and from places.
A test in the school of life. I WILL PASS, AND I WILL SUCCEED. THE EGO WILL NOT SUCCEEED.
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